Waiting, for appointments, for test, and for results, is another part of living long term illness is that cannot be avoid.

I think I am actually better at it than I used to be. Years of experience has taught me you just have wait and result will be given when there given, processes have to be followed. There is not a great deal you can do to speed this up. Worrying and over thinking definitely slows down the wait and makes it torturous. Plus when results are really rubbish they tend to get to you quicker so waiting is not such a bad thing.

Yesterday I had the transoesophageal echocardiogram (heart scan that looks at your heart via a camera down the throat and through the stomach). It was not done by my cardio so the dr that did it didn’t / wouldn’t give me any info of what state my valve is in, good or bad. I get it, he is not my doctor, he doesn’t know my case, but it would of been nice to know if the pesky clots are there or not and not have to wait to find out. Especially as both nurses and doctors I came into contact with yesterday did make me feel that stopping my anti-coagulation isn’t the most sensible decision I have ever made. And now without the intense side effects that pushed me over the edge into this decision it is hard not to be having some self doudt.

Fingers crossed when this particular wait is over, I will be told being off anti-coagulation is ok and not risky, but its a 50/50. But as Friday has come and gone I am really hoping that if the clots were still there I would of recieved a phone call and as I didn’t there, are not.

So I will just wait and try and convince myself it will turn out the way I want, when waiting plays on my mind.

Today I have felt pretty murky maybe from yesterday sedation, maybe from one or more of the many things wrong me. So am glad that the whilst one wait has just started my wait for the pelvic scan is drawing to a close as it is on Tuesday, then there will be a wait for the results.

I am having that scan to check there is nothing new other than endometriosis and/ or medicine side effects have been causing havoc and pain over the last two months. Two strokes and a heart infection taught me the hard way you cannot assume symptoms are always related to illness you already know you have as they may not be.

I would love to know how much time I have spent waiting? But I am probably better off not knowing as I think it would probably be depressing. Especially as I know a lot of waiting time is wasted time. I wish I could say that most of my waiting time I have used on my art doing, learning or exploring. But I know the truth is the opposite a lot of waiting time (like all of yesterday and all of today) I have felt too crappie or too fatigued to focus on doing any art. Something I wished I had been able to change by now but something I am absolutely determined to overcome and improve on. I just didn’t manage it today.

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